Things to do during a BORING sermon...
Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
See if a yawn really is contagious.

Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with 'A' then 'B' and so on through the alphabet.

Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

Try to raise one eyebrow.

Crack your knuckles.

Twiddle your thumbs.

Twiddle your neighbor's thumbs.

Wiggle your ears so that the people behind you will notice.

The pastor's visit...
A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door. The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will dine with him, and he with me."

Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked."

YU-UCK!
Drunk Man at Confessional

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed "Deepest Sympathy". While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card. "Oh, it's alright." said the storekeeper. "I'm a businessman and I understand how these things can happen." "But," added the florist, "I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party." "Well, what did it say?" ask the storekeeper. "'Congratulations on your new location'." was the reply.

Well, THAT'S stupid...
There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, "John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me?" A ghostly voice answered her, "Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you." Martha tearfully asked, "Oh John, what is it like where you are?" "It's beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time." "What do you do all day?" asked Martha. "Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and there's nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m." Martha was somewhat taken aback. "Is that what heaven really is like?" "Heaven? I'm not in heaven, Martha." "Well, then, where are you?" "I'm a rabbit in Arizona."

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young engineer who was fresh out of MIT, "What starting salary were you thinking about?" The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?" The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

Floating In Air At The Bar

Two men sit at a bar. The first one just slowly sips at his drink, studying the other man at the far end of the bar. Finally, the first man makes up his mind, and walks up the the second man. He sits back down and continues nursing his drink. The second man, thinking nothing of it, continues his drinking in peace. After a while, the first man speaks up.

"This place is great, isn't it?" he asks. The second man, somewhat surprised at the stranger's remark, replies.

"Why do you say that?" The first man, in a low tone of voice, responds, "Follow me." The second man, well drawn up into this hush-hush secret attribute of the bar, follows. They stop at the large window at one end of the room.

"Here's why." The first man thows open the window, and boldly steps out into--nothing. But he remains aloft!

"The air currents are great here!" he exclaims. "It's very relaxing." As his feet return to the bar-room floor, he invites the second man to try it. The second man, somewhat questioningly, looks over the windowsill--down to the pavement twelve stories below. He looks to either side, and finally up above, to see if there was anything holding the first man up. Convinced that it was no trickery, the second man swollows, closes his eyes, and steps out into-- nothing. And promptly falls twelve stories to the pavement below.

The second man, with a slight grin on his face, gets his drink, returns to his original spot at the bar, and starts sipping again. Looking rather irritated, the barkeep comes over to the place where the man sits.

"You know," he says, disgusted. "You're a real jerk when you're drunk, Mr. Kent."

CATS!
Enjoy these cute quotes about cats...

CAT QUOTES:

a.. "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will mess
with your computer."
[Bruce Graham]
b.. "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast."
[Unknown]
c.. "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never
forgotten this."
[Anonymous]
d.. "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled
through snow."
[Jeff Valdez]
e.. "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats."
[English proverb]
f.. "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat."
[Ellen Perry Berkeley]
g.. "One cat just leads to another."
[Ernest Hemingway]
h.. "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you
later."
[Mary Bly]
i.. "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many
ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia."
[Joseph Wood Krutch]
j.. "People that hate cats will come back as mice in their next life."
[Faith Resnick]
k.. "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned
by cats."
[Anonymous]
l.. "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is
infinitely superior."
[Hippolyte Taine]
m.. "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats."
[Albert Schweitzer]
n.. "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart."
[Ernest Menaul]
o.. "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God."
[Unknown]
p.. "Time spent with cats is never wasted."
[Colette]
q.. "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they
have many other fine qualities as well."
[Missy Dizick]
r.. "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange
cats."
[Colonial American proverb]
s.. "Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for
what you want."
[Joseph Wood Krutch]
t.. "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic."
[Unknown]
u.. "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes."
[Unknown]
v.. "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
[Unknown]

Smart dog...
A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying:

"HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he led him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type."

The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair.

The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager.

By this time the manager was totally dumbfounded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I still can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the part about being an Equal Opportunity Employer.

The manager said, "Yes, but the sign also says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

You may have to read this one twice...!
A man observed a woman in the grocery store with a three year old girl in her basket. As they passed the cookie section, the child asked for cookies and her mother told her "no." The little girl immediately began to whine and fuss, and the mother said quietly, "Now Ellen, we just have half of the aisles left to go through; don't be upset. It won't be long."

He passed the Mother again in the candy aisle. Of course, the little girl began to shout for candy. When she was told she couldn't have any, she began to cry. The mother said, "There, there, Ellen, don't cry. Only two more aisles to go, and then we'll be checking out."

The man again happened to be behind the pair at the check-out, where the little girl immediately began to clamor for gum and burst into a terrible tantrum upon discovering there would be no gum purchased today. The mother patiently said, "Ellen, we'll be through this check out stand in five minutes, and then you can go home and have a nice nap."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient you were with little Ellen..."

The mother broke in, "My little girl's name is Tammy... I'm Ellen.

hahaha!
Whenever your kids are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to his kids.

After creating Heaven and Earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing He said to them was: "Don't."

"Don't what?", Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit."

"Forbidden fruit? Really? Where is it?"

"It's over there," said God, wondering why He hadn't stopped after making the elephants.

A few minutes later God saw the kids having an apple break and He was angry.

"Didn't I tell you not to eat that fruit?" the First Parent asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?"

"I dunno," Adam answered.

God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed. But there is reassurance in this story.

If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give them wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble handling children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?

Things Mama taught me:
My Mother taught me LOGIC..."If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICINE..."If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD..."If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"

My Mother taught me ESP..."Put your sweater on; don't you think that I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE..."What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"

My Mother taught me HUMOR..."When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT..."If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.

My mother taught me about GENETICS..."You are just like your father!"

My mother taught me about my ROOTS..."Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE..."When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION..."Just wait until your father gets home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING..."You are going to get it when we get home."

And, my all-time favorite - JUSTICE..."One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU -- then you'll see what it's like!"

I don't blame him a bit...
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?"

Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room.

The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation.

By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way.

The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane...only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"

Poor Cindy...
Three guys found themselves in Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett, they were a little confused at their present situation, and they were startled to see a door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps the ugliest woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you could smell her even over the Brimstone.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Brett, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Brett was whisked through the door by a group of lesser demons to his torment.

This understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped when a second door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in thick black hair,and flies circled her.

The voice of the Devil was heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are condemned to spend the rest of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl, like Brett, was whisked off.

Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and feared the worst when the third door opened. And as the door inched open, he strained to see the figure of ... Cindy Crawford. Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in the sight of this beautiful woman, dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he heard the voice of the Devil saying:

"Cindy, you have sinned."

Hey....
A COLONEL ISSUED THE FOLLOWING DIRECTIVE TO HIS EXECUTIVE OFFICERS:

"Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours Halley's Comet will be visible in this area; an event which occurs only every 75 years. Have the men fall out in the battalion area in fatigues, and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them. In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the men in the theater and I will show them films of it."

EXECUTIVE OFFICER TO COMPANY COMMANDER:

"By order of the Colonel, tomorrow at 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will appear above the battalion area. If it rains, fall the men out in fatigues, then march to the theater where this rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only once every 75 years."

COMPANY COMMANDER TO LIEUTENANT:

"By order of the Colonel be in fatigues at 2000 hours tomorrow evening. The phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in the theater. In case of rain in the battalion area, the Colonel will give another order, something which occurs once every 75 years."

LIEUTENANT TO SERGEANT:

"Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the Colonel will appear in the theater with Halley's comet, something which happens every 75 years. If it rains, the Colonel will order the comet into the battalion area."

SERGEANT TO SQUAD:

"When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 75-year-old General Halley, accompanied by the Colonel, will drive his comet through the battalion area theater in fatigues."

Uh, oh...
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.

A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out "Sir, Good Evening, Sir!"

The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said "Good evening soldier, nice night, isn't it?"

Well it wasn't a nice night, but the Private wasn't going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied "Sir, Yes Sir!".

The General continued, "You know there's something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it's really relaxing. Don't you agree?"

The Private didn't agree, but them the private was just a private, and responded "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General, pointing at the dog, "This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train."

The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said "Sir, Yes Sir!"

The General continued "I got this dog for my wife."

The Private simply said "Good trade Sir!"

Military jokes:
General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and McKensie asks: "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, Gral. McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country." "Well, my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that."

So Marshall calls private Cooper and says: "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idioy! I'm out of here!" As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said:

"You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

Blind jokes...
One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

blind jokes...
A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: "I am placed in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me and out I go with the dog."

"But how do you know when you are going to land?" he was asked. "I have a very keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground" he answered.

"But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground?" he was again asked. He quickly answered: "Oh, the dog's leash goes slack."

what would YOU do?
As we stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, our Flight Instructor said, "All right! All you dummies fall out."

As the rest of the squad wandered away, I remained at attention.

The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with me, and then just raised a single eyebrow. I smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh sir?"

Blind jokes...
A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, "What are you doing?!!" The blind man replies, "Just looking around."

Three buddies die in a car crash, and they go to heaven to an orientation.

They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you? The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man."

The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."

The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's moving!"

Thats kinda mean...
The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.

He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, "I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you -- please keep your photo and return the others."

???
Marines and the police
The following is supposedly a true story relating a situation that actually occurred in Los Angeles.

The Marines were backing-up LAPD on a call that someone had broken into a store.

At the scene, the cop told the Marines to "cover" him as he approched the store (to police, "cover" means to point your weapons in the direction of the threat, to Marines it means lay down a base of fire!).

The Marines promptly laid down a base of fire. The Marines fired 178 rounds before they stopped shooting.

The thief, probably a little scared at this point, called 911 and reported, "They're shooting at me!".

Three people die, a Doctor a school teacher and the head of a large HMO, when met at the pearly gates by St. Peter he asks the Doctor 'what did you do on Earth?'

The Dotor replied, I healed the sick and if they could not pay I would do it for free. St. Peter told the Doctor, 'you may go in.'

St. Peter then asked the teacher what she did, she replied, I taught educationally challenged children. St. Peter then told her 'you may go in.'

St. Peter asked the third man, 'what did you do?' The man hung his head and replied, 'I ran a large HMO.' To which St. Peter replied, 'you may go in, but you can only stay 3 days.'

WOW!
A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!"

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

WOMEN!
A man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.

"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead".

"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"

GOD says, "So you would like them."

"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?"

"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies.

The man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?"

GOD says, "So they would love you!"

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Actual laws...
These are REAL LAWS in the state of Virginia..
# Children are not to go trick-or-treating on Halloween.

# It is illegal to tickle women.

# Driving while not wearing shoes is prohibited. (Repealed)

# You may not work on Sunday. (Repealed)

# Citizens must honk their horn while passing other cars.

# It is illegal to spit on sidewalk.

# There is a state law prohibiting "corrupt practices of bribery by any person other than candidates."

# Police radar detectors are illegal.

# It is illegal to sell peanut brittle on Sundays. (Repealed)

# You cannot sell lettuce on Sunday, but you can sell beer, wine etc. (Repealed)

# You cannot buy hardware of any kind on Sunday. (Passed in 1975, repealed in 1977)

Culpeper
# No one may wash a mule on the sidewalk.

Dayton
# A person of color may not be oustide or within the city limits after 7 pm.

Lebanon
# It is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.

Norfolk
# Women must wear a corsette after sundown and be in the company of male chaperone.

# A man may face 60 days in jail for patting a woman's derriere.

# Spitting on a sea gull is not tolerated.

Richmond
# It is illegal to flip a coin in a restaurant to see who pays for a coffee.

Stafford County
# It is legal for a man to beat his wife on the courthouse steps so long as it is before 8:00 pm.

Victoria
# It is illegal to skate down the sidewalk of Main Street.

Virginia Beach
# It is also unlawful to drive by the same place within 30 minutes on Atlantic Avenue.

# If you are drunk and not driving your car, and the person who is driving the car is drunk as well, you may both receive DUI's.

# It is illegal to use profanity on Atlantic Avenue or the boardwalk.

# It is illegal for a person to ride on the handlebars of a bike.

Waynesboro
# It is illegal for a woman to drive a car up Main Street unless her husband is walking in front of the car waving a red flag.

Whoa! what a test...
The two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.

One of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.

The one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"

Naturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.

After a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.

The men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."

I'm in the Army now...
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside.

The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service.

Satan goes to church...
One bright, beautiful Sunday morning, everyone in tiny Jonestown wakes up early and goes to their local church. Before the service starts, the townspeople sit in their pews and talk about their lives and their families.

Suddenly, at the altar, Satan appears!! Everyone starts screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in their determined efforts to get away from Evil Incarnate. Soon, everyone is evacuated from the church except for one man, who sit calmly in his pew, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy is in his presence. This confuses Satan a bit. Satan walks up to the man and says, "Hey, don't you know who I am?" The man says, "Yep, sure do."

Satan says, "Well, aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Nope, sure ain't."

Satan, perturbed, says, "And why aren't you afraid of me?" The man says, "Well, I've been married to your sister for 25 years."

This is true ... be sure and read where I got it from, @ the bottom
The1500 century

Facts Of The 1500's
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water
temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

* * * * * *

Here are some facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May
and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were starting to smell
so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odour. Hence the
custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.

* * * * * *

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children-last of all the babies. By then the
water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying,
"Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."

* * * * * *

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood Underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats and
other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."

* * * * * *

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could really
mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung
over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into
existence.

* * * * * *

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence
the saying "dirt poor."

* * * * * *

The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when
wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on, they kept adding more thresh until when you opened
the door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in
the entranceway. Hence the saying a thresh hold."

* * * * * *

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always
hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things to the
pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat
the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes the stew had food in it that had
been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."

* * * * * *

Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When
visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a
sign of wealth that a man "could bring home the bacon." They would cut off
a little to share with guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."

* * * * * *

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content
caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or
so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
* * * * * *

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the
loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."
* * * * *
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes
knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the
kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and
eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of
holding a "wake."
* * * * * *

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places
to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
"bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive. So they thought they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the
ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone
could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."

* *

Sheryl Ridgeway
Office of Research and Statistics
1000 Assembly Street
Columbia S.C. 29201
Phone: (803) 734-3829
Fax: (803) 734-3619
E-mail: sherylr@drss.state.sc.us
Website: http://www.drss.state.sc.us

New Rules For Employment

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

PAYCHECK GUIDE: The following helpful guide has been prepared to help our employees better understand their paychecks:

Item Amount Gross pay $1,222.02 Income tax $244.40 Outgo tax $45.21 State tax $11.61 Interstate tax $61.10 County tax $6.11 City tax $12.22 Rural tax $4.44 Back tax $1.11 Front tax $1.16 Side tax $1.61 Up tax $1.08 Down tax $1.14 Tic-Tacs $1.98 Thumbtacks $3.93 Carpet tacks $0.98 Stadium tax $0.69 Flat tax $8.32 Surtax $2.23 Ma''''''''''''''''am tax $1.23 Corporate tax $2.60 Parking fee $5.00 F.I.C.A. $81.88 T.G.I.F. Fund $9.95 Life insurance $5.85 Health insurance $16.23 Dental insurance $4.50 Mental insurance $4.33 Disability $2.50 Ability $0.25 Liability $3.41 Coffee $6.85 Coffee Cups $66.51 Floor rental $16.85 Chair rental $0.32 Desk rental $4.32 Union dues $5.85 Union don''''''''''''''''ts $3.77 Cash advance $0.69 Cash retreats $121.35 Overtime $1.26 Undertime $54.83 Eastern time $9.00 Central time $8.00 Mountain time $7.00 Pacific time $6.00 Time Out $12.21 Oxygen $10.02 Water $16.54 Heat $51.42 Cool air $26.83 Hot air $20.00 Miscellaneous $113.29 Various $8.01 Sundry $12.09 ------- Net Take Home Pay $0.02

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

$500 Porsche

A man was reading the paper when an ad caught his eye: $500 Porsche! New! The man thought that it was very unusual to sell a Porsche for $500, and he thought it might be a joke, but thought it was worth a shot. So he went to the lady's house and sure enough, she had an almost brand new Porsche.

"Wow!" the man said. "Can I take it for a test drive?" Unlike what he expected, the man found that the car ran perfectly and took it back to the lady's house.

"Why are you selling me this great Porsche for only $500?"

"My husband just ran off with his secretary, and he told me I could have the house and the furniture as long as I sold his Porsche and sent him the money."

Deathbed Lawyer

Why was the lawyer skimming the Bible right before he died?
He was looking for loopholes!

A letter from a redneck mother to her son...

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it, pulled the chain and haven't seen 'em since.

It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.

The coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.

We got a bill from the funeral home, and it said if we didn't make the final payment on Grandma's funderal bill, up she comes.

About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether if it is a boy or a girl so don't know if you are an Aunt or Uncle.

Your Uncle John fell in the whiskey vat. Some men tried to get him out, but he fought them off playfully, so he drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving and the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safery. The other 2 drowned. They couldn't get the tail gate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, please let me know and I will send another one.

Love, Ma

Even preachers tell 'em...
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a
group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12
years of age. The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest
the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked, "What
are you doing with that dog?"

One of the boys replied, "This dog is just an old
neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can
take him home. So we've decided that whichever one of us
can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog."

Of course, the reverend was taken aback. "You boys
shouldn't be having a contest telling lies!" he exclaimed.
He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying,
beginning, "Don't you boys know it's a sin to lie," and
ending with , "Why when I was your age, I never told a lie."

There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the
reverend was beginning to think he'd gotten through to them,
the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, "All right, give
him the dog."

Check this out...

Are you a PEACEMAKER???

WERE YOU LIKE THIS???
Are you still?
Some of us never grow up; we're still children at heart, and when the Father doesn't give us what we want, we get upset...

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
> >
> >Smart man + smart woman = romance
> >
> >Smart man + dumb woman = affair
> >
> >Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
> >
> >Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
> >
> >
> >
> >OFFICE ARITHMETIC
> >
> >Smart boss + smart employee = profit
> >
> >Smart boss + dumb employee = production
> >
> >Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
> >
> >Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
> >
> >
> >
> >SHOPPING MATH
> >
> >A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
> >
> >A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
> >
> >
> >
> >GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
> >
> >A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
> >
> >A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
> >
> >A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
> >
> >A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
> >
> >
> >
> >HAPPINESS
> >
> >To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
>little.
> >
> >To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
>understand her at all.
> >
> >
> >
> >LONGEVITY
> >
> >Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
>more willing to die.
> >
> >
> >
> >PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
> >
> >A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
> >
> >A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
> >
> >
> >
> >DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
> >
> >A woman has the last word in any argument.
> >
> >Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
> >
> >
> >
> >HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
> >
> >Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
>cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the
>same thing to them at funerals.
> >
> >
> >
> >SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU
>KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

Poor fella...
President Clinton died and knocked at the Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".

"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana, but you shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale. And I lied, but I didn't commit perjury."

After several moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

Little Old Lady
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front
porch, raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: "PRAISE THE
LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became
irritated
at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front
porch
after her and yell: "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every
day. One
morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped
onto her
front porch and shouted: "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have
no food
and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!
The next morning she stepped onto her porch and there were
two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!"
she cried out. "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted:
"THERE IS NO
LORD. I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted:
"PRAISE
THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY
FOR THEM!

Here's another...
Support Your Wife

It is important for men to remember that as women grow older
it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of
housekeeping they did when they were younger. When men
notice this, they should try not to yell. Let me relate how I
handle the situation.

When I retired four years ago, it became necessary for Gayle to
get a full-time job both for extra income and for health insurance
benefits that we need. She was a trained lab tech when we met
thirty some years ago and was fortunate to land a job at the local
medical center. It was shortly after she started working at this job
that I noticed that she was beginning to show her age.

I usually get home from fishing or hunting about the same time she
gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she
almost always says that she has to rest for half an hour or so
before she starts supper. I try not to yell at her when this
happens. Instead, I tell her to take her time. I understand that
she is not as young as she used to be. I just tell her to wake me
when she finally does get supper on the table.

She used to wash and dry the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
It is now not unusual for them to sit on the table for several
hours after supper. I do what I can by reminding her several times
each evening that they aren't cleaning themselves. I know she
appreciates this, as it does seem to help her get them done before
she goes to bed.

Our washer and dryer are in the basement. When she was younger,
Gayle used to be able to go up and down the stairs all day and not
get tired. Now that she is older she seems to get tired so much
more quickly. Sometimes she says she just can't make another trip
down those steps. I don't make a big issue of this. As long as she
finishes up the laundry the next evening I am willing to overlook it.

Not only that, but unless I need something ironed to wear to the
Monday's lodge meeting or to Wednesday's or Saturday's poker
club or to Tuesday's or Thursday's bowling or something like that,
I will tell her to wait until the next evening to do the ironing.
This gives her a little more time to do some of those odds and
ends things like shampooing the dog, vacuuming, or dusting.

Also, if I have had a really good day fishing, this allows her to
clean the fish at a more leisurely pace. Gayle is starting
to complain a little occasionally. Not often, mind you, but just
enough for me to notice. For example, she will say that it is
difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her
lunch hour.

In spite of her complaining, I continue to try to offer
encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three
days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her
that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any,
if you know what I mean.

When doing simple jobs she seems to think she needs more rest
periods than she used to have to take. A couple of weeks ago she
said she had to take a break when she was only half finished
mowing the yard. I overlook comments like these because I realize
it's just age talking.

In fact, I try to not embarrass her when she needs these little
extra rest breaks. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold
glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. tell
her that as long as she is making one for herself, she may as
well make one for me and take her break by the hammock so she can
talk with me until I fall asleep.

I could go on and on, but I think you know where I'm coming from.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support
Gayle on a daily basis. I'm not saying that the ability to show
this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult.
Some will find it impossible.

No one knows better than I do how frustrating women can become
as they get older. My purpose in writing this is simply to suggest
that you make the effort. I realize that achieving the exemplary
level of showing consideration I have attained is out of reach for
the average man. However guys, even if you just yell at your wife
a little less often because of this article, I will consider that
writing it was worthwhile.

Note: This article was found next to the author's body. The cause
of death is still under investigation.

Any comments?

*************************************************
Looking in the mall for a cotton nightgown, I tried my luck in a store known for its sexy lingerie.

To my delight, however, I found just what I was looking for. Waiting in the line to pay, I noticed a young woman behind me holding the same nightgown.

This confirmed what I suspected all along: despite being over 50, I still have a very "with it" attitude. "I see we have the same taste," I said proudly to the 20-something behind me.

"Yes," she replied. "I'm getting this for my grandmother."

The farmer's son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken's his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed. "You left with seven."

An American visiting in England entered the hotel and asked where the elevator was. The portiere (doorman) looked a bit confused but smiled when he realized what the man wanted. "You must mean the lift," he said.

"No," the American responded. "If I ask for the elevator I mean the elevator."

"Well," the portiere answered, "over here we call them lifts".

"Now you listen", the American said rather irritated, "someone in America invented the elevator."

"Oh, right you are sir," the portiere said in a polite tone, "but someone here in England invented the language."

Chinese Proverbs:

Man who run in front of car get tired;

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

---------------------------------------------

Acts 2:38 > > > >

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening of Church services when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled, Stop! Acts 2:38!" (Repent and be baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.) > > > > The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an Ax and Two 38's!"

39 things southerners seldom say...
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
30. Wrasslin's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians.
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.
24. Who's Richard Petty?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
17. The tires on that truck are too big.
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.
15. I've got it all on the C drive.
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
13. Would you like your salmon poached or broiled?
12. My fiance, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
09. Checkmate.
08. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
07. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
06. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
05. I don't have a favorite college team.
04. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
03. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
02. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
01. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

OOOPS!
A drunk man who smelled like rum sat down on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered
with red lipstick, and a half bottle of Bacardi sticking out of his
torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say,
Father, d'ya know what causes arthritis?"

"Yes, my son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked
women, drinking too much alcohol, having contempt for your fellow
men, sleeping around with prostitutes, lack of bath, and things like that..."

"Well, I'll be," the drunk muttered returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and
apologized saying: "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so
strongly. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just readin' here that George Bush does..."

Silly doctor...
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her *husband*!"

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